Less James Bond. More nicotine patches.

“Srini, I don’t want to get a call from your daughter asking why I didn’t take care of her dad.” I’m in Dr V’s office. He is my primary care physician. We’re discussing an anti-depressant drug that can help me quit smoking. Dr V is of Indian origin (Telugu), born and raised in America. He’s about ten years younger. I can tell you the man takes his job seriously. I reply, “Look, I get it. I’ve quit before on my own. Give me another 3 months. Let me try on my own. I don’t want to take anti-depressants.” He turns from the monitor to look at me. “Okay.” We sit in the silence. He goes back to staring at his monitor. I’m looking at my shoes. It feels like I’m disrespecting him in some way. But I really don’t want to take an anxiety drug. As Dr V has been trying to convince me, anxiety and depression may be the root causes of addiction. But I’m not there yet. I break the silence.

“Hey Dr V, let me ask you this. I know you want me to live as long as humanly possible. But really, is all of this worth it? Keeping people alive beyond their best years? What am I going to do, just going on living after my best years are behind me?”

Dr V turns. “You’re in quite the philosophical mood, aren’t you? First of all I want to say this is not a great question to ask when I’ve just asked you to quit smoking. It feels like you’re trying to find a loophole,” he laughs. I assure him that I am not. “I’d love to hear your answer. I like the inherent conflict and tension in my question. What’s a good age to die?”

We get up and he walks me out. I’ve clearly thrown him off his game. We stop in the corridor. “I guess it’s not really a question of how long you should plan to live. Rather, you should plan to have the zest for life as long as you’re allowed to live.” Smart. It’s a really good answer. “I’ll see you in six weeks.”

It’s a dumb question. A man does not get to pick the age when he dies. A calendar is not a map. It is an illusion. The day comes when it comes. And the river flows not caring about the map. Can you edit the film while you’re acting in it?

Nietzsche wrote (in ‘Thus spake Zarathushtra’) that many die too late and some die too early, and that a man should learn to die at the right time. But he did not get to choose his own time. He broke down in the street, lost his mind, and spent his last decade in a dark silence before a stroke finished him. He lived long enough to become the very warning he wrote about.

People say time heals the hurts and makes things better. It does not. The hurt stays the same size. You can only build a bigger life so the wounds feel smaller. Time is the room where it all happens. It inevitably rots the wood and sours the wine. But, a life can be a good life if it is lived clean and sharp. The long years do not make it better. They only make it longer. Clean and sharp. What is that?

Most of a football match is just running. Ninety minutes of toil. Men chasing a piece of leather. They sweat and they move and the clock winds down. It is ordinary work. Most of living is the same way. It is dull and you wait.

I’m back home from Dr V’s office. Watching the Spain-France semifinals. It’s the FIFA World Cup. Then the ball begins moving. The Spanish midfielders and the forwards passing between each other. As Thierry Henry put it, it was as though the other team wasn’t on the field and didn’t matter. Every man knew his position. He knew who he was. His role. His philosophy. He has known for a long time. And then they broke through. Just like that. The moment had presented itself. A delicate tap and a pass. A kick. Suddenly it was 2-0. And I had been on hand to witness it.

The goal did not change the map or stop the clock. It did not make the anxiety or the wounds go away. But it was a beautiful thing. Quietly great as all truly beautiful things are. I saw it and I caught my breath. I was glad I was there to see it. And just like that I knew exactly why it is worth being alive.

The nicotine patches have been bought. The mind is being steeled. Soon, I will make the leap. Wish me luck.

Have a wonderful weekend.