Written by the world’s leading AI expert who lives in Silicon Valley

The United States government has been shut down for 24 days, and the question foremost on the minds of Americans today is “What happened to the What Ho! Report?” I’ve heard the voice of the people and here I am, writing with great trepidation because I also know that the people are not very bright. Trump has been ruthlessly quelling any known, unknown and speculative resistance to his regime. Although I don’t fall into any of these categories, I suspect I could be targeted under a fourth category called “Let’s just indict this guy because he makes sense.” I kid you not. Why, even the other day, a former member of the Trump administration was indicted by a grand jury for not matching his socks with his pants and not his shoes.

Naturally, the people are increasingly incensed at this outrageous subversion of democracy in America. By people, I mean the Democratic party voters who are livid at the spectacle of Trump treating basic constitutional rights of citizens as a nice to have, much like how Howard Lutnick, the Commerce Secretary, treats his brain. Seven million Americans marched on the streets of Chicago, Seattle, San Francisco, Los Angeles, New York city and many other cities, chanting “No Kings.” Heck, people even marched in London and Madrd in solidarity with Americans, and these dudes actually have kings. I agree with my people. We cannot allow anyone (but maybe an old, white Democratic president like Biden) to overreach and abuse his powers as President. This will not stand, man. I cannot wait to find out what new and innovative methods Chuck Schumer and Hakeem Jeffries have in mind towards losing the mid-term elections in 2026.

In the meanwhile, New York city is on the verge of electing Zohran Mamdani as its first Muslim, socialist, brown-skinned Mayor, The Republicans are in a tizzy about the whole thing, and they have many questions. Are you seriously planning to vote for a Muslim in New York after 9/11? Are you seriously planning to elect a socialist mayor in New York, the Mecca of capitalism? Why does Mamdani eat with his hands? Mamdani wants people to be able to afford rent. He wants them to be able to buy groceries. Mostly basic stuff. Why is he popular? Because the rents are sky high and inflation still runs hot. Also, his Tiktok game is pretty lit. The conservatives are unable to understand why anyone would want to vote for Mamdani. Much like how the liberals have been trying to figure out why anyone would want to vote for an orange haired Caligula.

Alarmed at the rise of Tiktok and people like Mamdani using it, Trump has taken over the company. Rumor has it Barron Trump, Melania’s boy, will take a senior role at Tiktok. Barron is apparently trying to grow facial hair and look grown up in preparation for this upcoming role.

There is a lot going on. And none of it is pretty.

Bill Gates thinks that AI will usher in a golden era for workers. According to Bill, we will have two-day work weeks in the future, and machines will do all the hard work, leaving people with plenty of time to figure out how to pay for groceries after their salaries have been slashed by 60 percent.

The competition to win the AI wars and dominate the world is fierce among companies and even nations. Reports say that the Chinese and the Russians are sending beautiful women to Silicon Valley to seduce tech workers and get them to part with tech secrets. I don’t know what to say other than to tell the Russians and the Chinese, “Hey, if you guys are reading this, I live in the Silicon Valley and happen to know a secret or two.” Hold on guys, don’t cancel me. I just put that in there to check if my wife really reads this, as she claims.

I’ve been traveling a bit this year. Each time, I am on a plane, I get this tingly feeling in the back of my mind that there must be a Boeing person somewhere out there who has been assigned to make sure that the plane does not take off, or if it does take off, it must be brought down immediately. I have this image of the Boeing CEO on his Monday morning staff meeting calls going, “Guys, I’m hearing reports of our planes actually flying in the air with their engines and doors intact for extended periods of time. Is this true? I want to know who is responsible for this and fire them immediately. Is it you, Bob? I know it’s you. I’ve got my eyes on you, man.”

Not to mention the air traffic controllers, half of whom Elon Musk fired during his short blitzkrieg on the Deep State. I’ve seen reports that air traffic controllers are doing part time jobs as Uber drivers and delivering food for DoorDash because they aren’t getting paid during the government shutdown. The last thing I need is a dude at the control tower going, “United 721, lower your speed to two-one-zero, and wait till I drop this package off. WTF is wrong with people, why can’t they tip more. No, United 721, that was not for you. I forgot to mute you. Can you hold please? Someone’s calling me. Okay I’m back. It was a guy named Bob from Boeing. For some reason, he wants you on the ground as soon as possible.”

These are interesting times we live in. If you’re stressed, remember this: Things always get worse.

Have a good weekend, folks.

Another horrible week in America

A protest movement in Nepal forced out the country’s Prime Minister and left many buildings in the capital, Kathmandu, in ruins. The demonstrations, led by teenagers and young adults, began after the government banned most of the social media platforms. Apparently, the agitations really gained momentum when Gen-Z Nepalis were enraged when they discovered that they could no longer Skip Intro on Netflix shows.

The US Congress this week released a key piece of evidence in the ongoing Jeffrey Epstein investigation: a book prepared for the disgraced financier’s 50th birthday. It included a note, apparently signed by President Trump, which included a drawing of a female figure around a script of an imagined conversation between Trump and Epstein, above what appeared to be Trump’s signature. The White House called it fake. Trump, when quizzed by reporters, said that “he couldn’t be expected to remember every birthday card he may or not have sent to child molesters.”

Charlie Kirk, a close ally of Donald Trump and a founder of the right wing organization Turning Point USA, which has over 850 chapters at high schools and colleges, and helped shape the modern conservative youth movement, was assassinated at a campus event in Utah on Wednesday. Kirk’s death was mourned by many on the right, and shockingly enough, celebrated by a small minority on the left. Many commentators have called for calm and an end to the political divisions that have upended American society in the last two decades. Trump, when asked by a television host if he was planning to do something to unify the country, replied that “he couldn’t care less if the country was united.” This is true. I am not making this up. In his defense, Trump also pointed out that there was no place for political violence among those who disliked him, and added that it was okay for those who liked him to indulge in a little violence against his enemies now and then.

This week, Israel struck Doha, Qatar, in a series of air raids targeted at eliminating the top leadership of Hamas. Qatar hosts the largest American military base in the Middle East, has bought billions of dollars of defense systems from the US, and recently gave Trump a luxury Boeing plane as a gift. Yet, Israel struck inside its borders leading many Qataris to question the value of giving Trump a free airplane. A senior Qatari official told What Ho!, on the condition of anonymity, that the Israeli strikes on Doha “have made us feel used and violated by Donald Trump.” He added, “I’m pretty sure that he is getting no more than a toy helicopter for his next birthday.” The Hamas leadership in Doha were all apparently dead and unavailable for comments.

The White House published a report this week that outlined strategies to combat childhood chronic disease, and focused on ultraprocessed foods as a primary concern. The report calls for many changes that experts support such as increased research on nutrition and oversight of food additives. The report however took a softer approach on pesticides and did not mention well-known contaminants like lead in water sources. In parallel, Robert F. Kennedy Jr, the Secretary of Health, is rumored to be working on developing a safe version of whiskey that can be consumed by children while operating heavy machinery. RFK Jr is also rumored to be spearheading a research effort linking the use of the Oxford comma and gerunds to autism.

Last Friday, US immigration authorities arrested nearly 500 workers, mostly South Korean citizens, at a construction site of a battery plant for Hyundai. On Sunday, South Korean officials said that they had reached an agreement with the United States for the Korean men to be freed and flown back to Seoul, where they will be re-trained and inducted into one giant 500-member K-pop boy band.

In other news,

Trump has renamed the White House to the Department of Only Old White Men, and all McDonalds locations in America to the Departments of Bacon, Burgers and French Fries. All McDonalds’ store managers will henceforth be referred to as Secretaries of the Fastest Food in the World. Trump also announced that the government will be taking a ten percent stake in every cheese burger and can of Coke sold in the continental United States.

When quizzed about the apparent hand bruises on Trump’s hand, the White House spokesperson dismissed the concerns as “affecting the least concerning part of his body.”

In all seriousness,

Charlie Kirk was a despicable human being while he lived. I fully understand that it is not nice to speak ill of the dead, but I say it in the spirit of telling it like it is, as Charlie himself vividly did. A backhanded compliment to a man who was nothing more than a classic American hustler and somehow found his way into the corridors of power and influence. In fact, he was a relative nobody. Many people had not even heard of him until the fateful and tragic day earlier this week when he was murdered in cold blood. But the fact remains that, as despicable as he was, Charlie Kirk was a human being. He did not deserve to be killed. It goes without saying that violence has no place in any society.

Some people create divisions while they live and sometimes they create more divisiveness after they die. Charlie Kirk was one such person. He had a reason for his divisive rhetoric. Some have grown tired of not being able to say the things on their minds and tried to break free of such shackles. Charlie was such a person. I think he did what he thought was in the best interests of the country and his party. But, to wield a sword requires great skill. This is why many of us are reluctant to wield swords. Kirk was not skilled and yet he wielded the sword. I admire him for trying but decry him for not being skilled. Whatever the case may be, there is nothing on this God’s green earth that justifies the celebration of a fellow human being’s murder. The fringe lunatics who celebrated Kirk’s murder need mental help. I will never understand such people just the same way I never understood why Kirk himself had to be so cruel and wanton with his words. It takes many people to make up a country. We are all what we are. We have to accept this and make peace with each other.

Rest in peace, Charlie. I did not agree with you and I thought you were a dick, but you were doing your thing and you deserved to continue doing your thing. I hope you find your peace in the great beyond as I hope to find mine someday. God bless you.

Much fodder is being made of this assassination by hacks and morons of various stripes. JD Vance accompanied Kirk’s body on Air Force Two, the vice presidential plane. I don’t recall Vance even calling the parents of countless school children who have died in mindless gun violence. Utah governor called it “a political assassination” within an hour of the news breaking, even before he knew who had done it. In fact, Charlie Kirk had called for the firing of the Utah governor just a few months back. He described him as Trump’s worst enemy.

Lots of commentators, including Bill Maher who I like, have decried the murder as “an assault on free speech.” I don’t recall any hue and cry when immigration officials were checking people’s phones for social media posts critical of Trump and denying them visas. Ironically, the MAGA crowd is compiling a list of people celebrating the Kirk murder and trying to get them fired from their jobs. So much for free speech. Give me a break, please!

Listen, I am as much for free speech as the next guy. I don’t believe that there are limits to free speech as long as you’re not falsely yelling “Fire’ in a crowded theater. Count me in on the free speech team. But I also recognize that there are other laws in operation in society and the universe. Just because there is the law of gravity does not imply that there are no laws of electromagnetic fields. Both simultaneously exist and make the world go around. The same way, we have the right to free speech but must also recognize that there are laws around the consequences of our speech. There is an ancient law which states that what goes around, comes around. If I wander around the south side of Chicago after midnight and get mugged, who is to blame? Yes, I have a right to walk peacefully on the streets anywhere and at any time of day, and yet I must realize that society and people are imperfect and must adjust my actions accordingly. There is yet another ancient adage: If you live by the sword, you shall die by it. Unless of course, you’re the most skilled at wielding the sword.

I grieve for Charlie Kirk’s children. They have been deprived of their father. We are all sons and daughters and husbands and wives and parents at the end of the day. I wish that Charlie had lived to see his children get married and to grow old with his wife. I really wish he had made better choices about his safety. I really really wish he had not been murdered.

May God bless America. May God bless us all wherever we may be.

Have a great weekend!

The art of the squeal

Rest in Peace, Pope Francis.

Pope Francis died this week at 88. He was the first pope to take his papal name from St. Francis of Assisi, the friar who dedicated his life to the poor. He was born Jorge Mario Bergoglio in Argentina to parents of Italian descent. The papal conclave will soon begin discussions, and voting to elect the next Pope, a decision that is announced by white smoke coming out of the Vatican chimneys. There is some buzz that we may finally have a pope from Africa. Speaking to the What Ho! Report on conditions of anonymity, Ralph Fiennes, the actor, who has been tapped to run the papal conclave said, “I kinda like the chances of the Cardinal from Nigeria. He is 6’ 5”, can run point and rotate the ball, plays decent defense, has a 92% free throw conversion, and shoots threes from anywhere on the court. It doesn’t get too much better than this. I thin he’ll get picked first in the draft.”

Trump announced that he would attend the funeral, tweeting “I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO IT.” (This is absolutely true. He tweeted this). The First Lady, Melania Trump, announced that she would be joining her husband at the funeral, tweeting, “STOKED. I can’t think of any other funeral, EXCEPT ONE. that I’d be more enthusiastic about attending.” Trump attended the funeral on Friday, which included leaders from over a hundred countries as well as former leaders such as Joe Biden. Trump met with Zelenskyy in St. Peter’s Basilica during the funeral to hash out terms of a cease fire between Ukraine and Russia. Speaking to reporters after the meeting. Zelenskyy said, “First, I want to say a big THANK YOU to the President because I don’t want to get railed hard in the ass again. The talks were useful and I feel optimistic that we are making progress. For instance, I think, I’m not sure, that I have managed to convince President Trump that the cease fire agreement should include language that requires Russia to cease fire. President Trump also proposed that I hand over Crimea to Russia, disband the Ukrainian army before stepping down as President. I promised him that I would think carefully about all of this before turning it down tomorrow.”

RFK Jr makes more and more wild claims as he gains more and more confidence

Robert Kennedy Jr announced a series of sweeping claims today, signaling that his confidence was growing by the day that he would get to keep his job. Kennedy claimed that “I am now fully convinced that literally every bad thing starts in a wet market in Wuhan. Autism, decreased sperm count in young men, male pattern baldness and obesity in teenagers are all somehow connected to Wuhan.” Kennedy has vowed to send a team to Wuhan to get to the bottom of “where they make the autism.” In a press conference, Kennedy made a series of other wide ranging claims which attacked 5G cell towers, the rise in bees population in North America and the proliferation of podcasters as potential factors in the rise of various medical ills in America. “When I was a kid, I never saw anyone with autism. Suddenly, we have an epidemic since the late 80s. You’ve got to wonder. Thin about what happened towards the end of the 80s. We started vaccinating more people. The rise of Michael Jackson? The end of the Cold War? I mean, all of these could be factors, right? When I was a kid, all I saw was people getting measles, polio, chicken pox, cholera and smallpox. My parents and grandparents didn’t see any autism either. They saw the Black Death, the plague and the Spanish flu. I vow to bring all those back even as I try to end autism as we know it.” Naturally, the medical community has been outraged by RFK Jr’s claims. The American Medical Association issued a press release which said, among other things, “To say that autism didn’t exist before the late 1980s is absurd. Pluto was discovered in 1930. We are pretty sure it was around long before we discovered it.”

Pete Hegseth signals his drinking problems aren’t over yet

The New York Times reported that Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth shared planning details of an attack in Yemen in a SECOND Signal chat group that included his wife and his brother. Responding to these new allegations of incompetence and impropriety, Hegseth issued a terse statement in which he said, “There are no secrets between a man and his wife. Sharing attack plans is an essential ingredient for a healthy marriage.” The statement did not explain either why only one of his two brothers was in the chat group and the other was left out.

Google upset at being sued over being monopolistic in a failing business

The US government asked a judge to break up Google’s monopoly by forcing it to sell its Chrome Browser, which drives users to its search engine. Google, in their opening defense, implored the judge, “No one in their right minds would use our search engine after the arrival of ChatGPT. The Chrome browser is the last thing on our minds. We’re getting our asses kicked by OpenAI, and our people are refusing to return to work. This is no time to be suing us. Can you please order our people to get back to work?” In related news, OpenAI is rumored to be super interested in buying Chrome from Google because “who wouldn’t want to buy a browser that drives users to its search engine, right?”

Judge preemptively orders the government to return her from an El Salvador prison

A Milwaukee judge was arrested by the FBI on Friday, accusing her of helping a man avoid immigration enforcement, a major escalation of the Trump administration’s clash with the judiciary and local officials over deportations. Judge Hannah Dugan “intentionally misdirected federal agents away” from an immigrant in her courthouse, allowing him to evade arrest, FBI Director Kash Patel said in a post on Twitter that he later deleted. His post said the FBI agents chased the man and took him into custody but “the judge’s obstruction increased danger to the public.” Before leaving the court in the custody of the federal agents, the judge apparently issued a preemptive order to the US government ordering it to return her from the prison in El Salvador where she expected to be taken.

He said, Xi said. “The Art of the Squeal.”

The nation’s top CEOs met with Trump and warned him about the impact of his ongoing trade war with China. Reports say that they told Trump that price inflation would increase overnight, and the store shelves would be empty in a matter of two to three weeks. Alarmed, Trump has sought to ratchet down the tension between the two major trading partners saying, “I am going to be very nice to China. I’m not going to be a hard ass. I will be very nice. They are going to want to become the 52nd state of the United States when they see me being so nice.” He also claimed that the US trade officials were in talks with the Chinese ones, and working towards a proposal. In a classic case of he said, Xi said, the Chinese leadership has bluntly denied that talks were in progress, instead simply saying, “We’ve got his balls in a vice that was manufactured in Shenzhen. You bet we will be squeezing them hard until he squeals like a baby in a wet diaper and copious amounts of white smoke come out of his fat ass.”

In other news

A majority of the nation’s men continue to be shunned by its women. That’s all I got. Just the headline.

I’ve been a little behind on the stock market news. Was it DEI or a trans athlete that crashed the market, does anyone know?

Have a great week ahead, folks!

Play time is over, Don.

The Supreme Court ruled earlier this week that the Trump administration must facilitate the release of Kilmar Armando Abrego Garcia, a US green card holder, who was wrongly deported to a prison in El Salvador. Nayib Bukele, President of El Salvador, met with Donald Trump after the court ruling, and the two agreed to not obey the court’s orders. The case has come to symbolize Trump’s defiance of courts, and willingness to deport even American permanent residents without due process. In a press conference after the meeting, Bukele told reporters that he had shared many other similar tips with Trump on running a vibrant democracy. “For example, I told Trump that he could deport the entire state of Maine to El Salvador and didn’t need anyone’s permission to do that.” In turn, Trump praised Bukele saying, “He kinda looks like a drug cartel Don, doesn’t he? I don’t know how to say his name, but I think he is a fine man.”

The Trump administration sent Harvard University a letter demanding a list of changes, which included bringing in an outside party to ensure that each academic department is “viewpoint diverse.” Two days, Harvard refused to accede to the demands, prompting federal officials to freeze about 2 billion dollars in funding to the university. Harvard University released a terse statement saying, “We intensely regret this recent turn of events. Unfortunately, we can’t accede to the demands. The best we can do is to invite Mel Gibson to teach an antisemitism workshop at Harvard.”

In the meanwhile, historians from Harvard, Yale and Brown continued to quibble over the exact definition of a concentration camp. A spokesman for the Ivy League described the nitpicking as a sign of vibrant and healthy academic freedom in America. “When you’re splitting hairs over what makes a concentration camp versus a gulag or deciding between whether to call something a genocide or a small-scale pogrom, it all adds up to something good for our democracy. Until we get these distinctions right, it is impossible make progress on such issues.”

The Federal Government opened its antitrust trial against Meta this week, accusing the company of having cemented a monopoly when it acquired Instagram and WhatsApp. The government argued that this has deprived consumers of other social networking options and stifled competition. A US Department of Justice spokesperson said, “We are determined to provide citizens with hundreds and thousands of sites onto which they can upload their photos, which can be easily manipulated and misused by bad people with AI imaging software to create pornographic images.” The US Department of Justice also filed a separate suit against Mark Zuckerberg in a Washington DC court claiming that he was “an extraterrestrial alien sent to spy on the human race.”

The highest court of the United Kingdom ruled this week that trans women do not fall under the legal definition of women under the country’s equality legislation. The judgement found that the legal definition of a woman is based on biological sex and applies only to the precise interpretation of the country’s 2010 anti-discrimination law. Experts say that the ruling is likely to make it difficult for trans women to find public bathrooms that they can use. Elon Musk hailed the judgement and called on transgender people to “hold it in.”

Who put the tiff in tariff?

Unless you’ve been hiding out in a cave under a rock, you’ve probably heard the word tariff way more often in the last few weeks than you’d prefer. Until about a month ago, the ordinary American had not even heard the word. Now, plumbers and software engineers alike have become experts on it. Thanks to the Donald, who has self-confessedly been dreaming about imposing tariffs on all 206 countries in the world since the tender age of 41, the United States has embarked on a suicidal mission “to restructure international trade order, bring our jobs back and make America great again.”

Howard Lutnick, US Commerce Secretary, who would comfortably decrease the average IQ of a smallish group of dodos, thinks we should be making tee shirts, shoes, iPads and such by letting Americans “put in those millions of screws that go into all sorts of things. Right now, the Chinese are putting in all the screws. We should be the ones with the screwdrivers.” Boy, oh boy. Have we ended up with the inmates running the asylum or what.

First, no one wants to sew tee shirts. Even the Bangladeshis don’t want to do this. They do it only because they don’t have a choice. If they could find better jobs, they would not do it. All we Americans want is to buy tee shirts for 20 bucks or less and throw them away when the slogans on them become problematic or when we’ve gained twenty pounds. Second, no one wants to make iPads. Even Chinese adults don’t want these jobs. They make their kids build iPads. Why are we trying to make a full-grown American adult do the job of a Chinese tween?

Shouldn’t we be focusing our energies on uploading photos to twenty different apps, building new bathrooms and arguing if a gulag can technically exist in a tropical country like El Salvador? Also, the way Trump is going, we might all have to soon become lawyers to defend ourselves. Whatever it is that we could or should be doing, I don’t see sewing tee shirts and shoes or assembling iPads on that list. Bringing crap jobs back to America at a time when AI is going to take all the jobs is like trying to choose which swimsuit to wear when a tsunami is headed directly at us.

A long time ago, the Don wrote a book called “The Art of the Deal,” in which he described his recipe for business success. An example of his sage advice is “The final key to the way I promote is bravado. I play to people’s fantasies. People may not always think big themselves, but they can still get very excited by those who do. That’s why a little hyperbole never hurts. People want to believe that something is the biggest and the greatest and the most spectacular. I call it truthful hyperbole. It’s an innocent form of exaggeration, and a very effective form of promotion.” Here’s a tip, Don. America is already a great product. You don’t need to hype it. All you need to do is to not eff it up by imagining weird problems with it. America is not one of your ex-wives. And, don’t get into fights with our neighbors and friends. Where’s the fun in being rich and great all by ourselves, if we have no friends or family to share it with?

Also, if you’re gonna do tariffs, pick a number and stick to it. This is not a Wheel of Tariffs where you can spin a wheel and get a random number. Importantly, don’t screw around with penguins. Someday when we’re all six feet under water, we might need them.

Stop effing around, Don. Play time is over. Chop, chop. Get to some real work.

Tell me sweet little lies

Several US officials, including the Vice President and the Defense Secretary, disclosed plans to attack Houthi rebels in a group chat that included Jeff Greenberg, the chief editor of the Atlantic. They were using an app called Signal. Greenberg wrote in the Atlantic that Michael Walz, the national security adviser, had added him to the group chat. Apparently, no one noticed anything amiss when a strange Yemeni number on the group chat messaged, “NEW PHONE HOUTHIS?” The most alarming aspect of SignalGate is the impunity with which people are being added to group chats without their consent.

Russia and Ukraine said they were committed to stop fighting in the Black Sea to ensure safe shipping. It’s unclear if the pause will take effect soon. Russia’s agreement came with a caveat: It would stop only if the US and the EU removed restrictions on its agricultural exports. Rumors have it that Putin’s first preference is for Volodimir Zelenskyy, the President of Ukraine, to step down right away to allow a quicker and more peaceful annexation of Ukraine by Christmas this year.

Palestinians in Gaza protested this week in a rare show of dissent against Hamas, chanting slogans for the terrorist organization to leave Gaza. Other Gazans carried more neutral signs opposing the continuation of war. A sizable group of Gazans held signs to express their displeasure against the Oscar snub to Timothy Chalamet. “Frankly, it’s unconscionable. What more can Timmy do to win?” said one of the protesters. In the meanwhile, Binyamin Netanyahu fired his defense minister, Yoav Gallant, for not being more supportive of genocide.

Vice President, JD Vance, and his wife, Usha Vance, visited an American military installation in Greenland yesterday. The plan was originally for Usha Vance to attend a dog sled race, but JD decided to join at the last minute, to his wife’s disappointment. Speaking to reporters, Usha remarked wistfully, “I was originally planning to take a couple of my girlfriends who I haven’t seen since high school, and stay at the Four Seasons in Greenland. I hear it’s gorgeous. We were going to drink lots of wine, hook up with some hot Russian guys, and go to a dog sled race. Then JD decided to join, and he ended up spending a lot of the time with the couch instead.”

The New York Times reported this week that the White House was trying to recruit sponsors for the Easter Egg Roll. Corporate backers will choose from options ranging from $75,000 to $200,000. The White House is also rumored to be toying with the idea of replacing the Easter Bunny with the Playboy bunny.

The police recovered a pair of diamond earrings worth nearly $800,000 that they say a Florida man (it’s always a man from Florida when it comes to these things) had stolen and swallowed. The man spent more than 12 days in the hospital before “expelling” the jewelry from his system. He has been charged with first-degree grand theft and third-degree-robbery with a mask. The man is rumored to being showing interest in running to be the next Governor of Florida, after active encouragement from the Republican Party.

In other news

The Immigration and Naturalization Service is said to be drafting a proposal that will include a swimsuit competition for those applying for US citizenship. Speaking to reporters, President Trump defended the proposal saying, “I came up with this idea. I think it’s brilliant. It has a lot of potential. I used to run the Miss USA pageant, and I always tell people that you can never truly judge how good someone is until you’ve interviewed them in their underwear.”

Rumors have it that Pope Francis has embraced Christianity “with an open and full heart” after his close brush with death. Someone close to the Pope said, “He’s a new man now. I’ve seen him praying daily these days. It’s amazing, I think he has become actually religious now.”

President Trump announced 300% tariffs on all goods from any country whose leader visits the White House and leaves without saying Thank You.

A proposed new law in California will make it illegal for parents to talk to their children or ask them about anything whatsoever. “We’re dealing with an epidemic of parental control freaks in this country. Our children have suffered enough. They too have Fifth Amendment rights that allow them to not incriminate themselves. We’re putting an end to this tyranny today,” said Gavin Newsom, Governor of California, who plans to disavow the law and denounce his party for being “too woke” by next Friday on his podcast.

The Democratic Party is said to have filed suit in a federal court in California claiming breach of trust and damages against 18 million illegal immigrants. In a statement, the party said, “We are deeply disappointed that these 18 million illegal immigrants failed to vote for us in 2016 and 2024, causing us to suffer grievous and heavy losses in the elections. It is a horrendous betrayal of President Biden who has allowed more illegal immigrants into America than any other President since Ellis Island opened.”

President Trump pardoned Nikola Corp founder, Trevor Milton, for his 2022 conviction of federal crimes related to defrauding investors with false claims about the success of his car company. When quizzed by reporters, Trump said, “I don’t know who this guy is, but many people highly recommended that I pardon him. They say it was very unfair. He was targeted because he was one of the first people to support me.” Trump is also said to be considering pardoning El Chapo, ex-leader of the Sinaloa Mexican drug cartel, who is currently serving a life sentence in a Colorado prison. “El Chapo is a deeply misunderstood guy. Do you know what misunderstood means? It means not understood. I have spoken to him. He tells me that he has read all my books. He is a very smart guy. Very smart. He made billions after reading my books. Billions. Did you know that he voted for me in 2016, 2020 and 2024 in California. I think I’m gonna cut him some slack.”

NEW: Deep Quote Of The Week (DQOTW) from Dr. What Ho!

The future is always hard to see but what goes vastly unappreciated is that the present is even harder to see. As George Orwell put it, “To see what is in front of one’s nose needs a constant struggle.”

That’s all, folks. Have a lovely weekend.